First

I'm writing this as I need an outlet, to let my thoughts spill out somewhere. I'm hoping it will be cathartic, it'll probably just be self indulgent. I was recently diagnosed by my doctor with work related stress and anxiety, so I quit. I don't feel any better.
I'm 30 years old and have just recently moved in to my first home with my girlfriend of 2 years. It was a stressful move as I'd been basically living in her previous flat when her landlord sold it out from under her. We then needed to find somewhere quickly and she wanted to move closer to her family which in turn meant moving further away from mine.
Only a 25 minute drive away so not the end of the world, but a different town can sometimes feel like it.
Her family have been great, helping us at every turn, I should be greatful, I am. But that doesn't stop the malaise that I'm feeling. Maybe it's the age thing, 30 is the age where it's no longer acceptable to not know what you're doing with your life. All of sudden people have these great expectations of you, like you should be more than you are because they themselves are successful. You made them laugh one time at a family gathering or had an interesting discussion and because they've deemed you not an idiot, you should be excelling in some way!
What even is intelligence anyway? A predilection for problem solving or fact regurgitation?! I never passed my GCSE's let alone graduated college. On paper and apparently that's all human is worth, I AM AN IDIOT!
I've worked in naught but dead end jobs (call centres predominantly) since I was 18. Now I'm unemployed and looking to find anything but no one will look at me twice. Retail don't want me because I don't have recent experience stacking shelves, I haven't stacked a shelf since I was 18 but 12 years later it's unfathomable I still have working arms... I digress, it likely boils down to they can pay an 18 year old less than I and his knees probably don't creak when he bends down.
Reading this back it does feel self indulgent and I'm almost embarrassed for whining, I have exclusively 'First World Problems' but knowing someone has it worse doesn't change the way I feel, it just makes me want to bottle up my feelings and that clearly isn't working for me. If I was doing really well, you wouldn't put me off from celebrating a promotion because there's others doing way better than me. It seems very British to be embarrassed to feel, to not be happy when you have it better than others. I just feel it degrades what it is to feel and be human.
On social media people portray the best version of themselves and it can be hard to think no one else is struggling but they are. Outside of this blog there's no trace of change in my accounts. I post the same inconsequential nonsense and dank memes I always have, though most of the time I'm consumed by existential dread and strong feelings of failure. It's amazing how fast people change when you no longer have money to do things. My girlfriend, god bless her, was very supportive in the beginning but I can see now she is struggling to feel sympathy. Anytime I tell her I'm down she simply says she feels exactly the same. Not even just for feelings, like if I say I have an upset stomach, miracualousy so does she. I think she's subconsciously telling me to suck it up and get a fucking job. I feel less like her partner and more like a burden with each passing day.
Maybe I'm just being over dramatic, I thought putting it out there would give me clarity but I just feel like more of a let down.
I can't even get factory work doing something straightforward like packing due to inexperience, how do you get experience if no one will give you a chance? The sad truth is I can easily get another a call centre job, but that's what has got me here in the first place. I derive nothing but misery from arguing with strangers for 8 hours a day about something I could care less about; their failed payment, their failed service, their failed engineer visit. I've done it for too long. What little compassion I once had has been shouted out of me. A lot of the people shouting have good reason too, I've worked in call centres for mail companies, broadband companies, phone companies, supermarkets, credit cards, the government... You name it, and ALL OF THEM, every single one were useless. Rarely solving customer concerns and mostly sending them on wild goose chases for fabled resolutions!
I'm likely going to have to bite the bullet as the bills are stacking up and it no longer becomes about your happiness and more about what you can provide. People sharp go off you when you can't afford a night out or a subscription to Netflix.
What a time to be alive.